How to Network When You Don’t Like Networking

from a podcast: https://www.linkedin.com/learning/how-to-network-when-you-don-t-like-networking/make-new-connections-through-shared-interests?u=2116705

Work with your natural temperament

As a matter of fact, the majority of people, traditional networking advice does not resonate with them and they do far better, myself included, by honoring who they are and accepting their natural temperament.

An example of honoring your natural temperament versus violating it? - [Devora]

So, traditional advice says get out there as much as possible, constant contact, and never eat a meal alone, and that kind of advice makes most of us want to run and hide, crash and burn (chuckles) and proclaim ourselves to hate networking and be terrible at it.
instead, work with understand who you are and then create a system that honors how you get energy. For example, introverts get energy alone whereas extroverts get energy with others.

An example: I’ll give one about myself when I wanted to get my book published for the first time. So I was at a conference and there were about 40 different publishers there. I knew as an introvert that that would drain me and that it would also feel really inauthentic so instead, I did research in advance, which I always recommend people do, found and identified one publisher that I thought would be a really perfect fit

Contrasting introverts and extroverts

So there’s really three differences between introverts and extroverts and my system of networking is really focused on this dimension.

Introverts think to talk and extroverts talk to think.
Introverts energize alone and extroverts energize with others.
And introverts go deep, deeper into fewer relationships, fewer interests, less activity around them. That does not mean they’re less active. It just means less competing action for the brain. And extroverts are the opposite, they talk to think, they energize with others, and they go wide. They like a lot of people, a lot of action, a lot going on.

So if I know that I think to talk, what I have to do is prepare in advance some good questions, to practice what I’m going to say, to get familiar with typical topics people might raise at this event and be prepared with answers. Also, if introverts tend to be more private and they don’t want to talk about themselves as much, they can spend more time thinking of great questions to ask other people. And by the way, if you don’t like talking about how wonderful you are, you can show people instead by demonstrating an authentic interest in other people.

Some go-to winners that you love and are great again and again?

one is that you want to make them interesting, questions that people want to answer and that you’re actually interested in hearing the response to.
So avoid the kind of old questions that are a little dull, like, “What do you do?” That’s really basic. So with a slight twist you can say, “What’s your favorite part of your work?” And suddenly the person comes alive, they’re talking about something they’re passionate about, it’s more interesting to listen to. So that’s an example of a good, well-formed question.
You want to be cautious with your questions, also, about making them initially not too personal because introverts, especially if they have a strong, what’s called strength of preference, a strong identification with introversion, they tend to find more things private. So something an extrovert might ask would seem perfectly innocent question and an introvert might feel on the spot. So start with general questions and then let the other person who you’re talking to decide how specific to get. And they might get more and more specific the more comfortable both of you are in the conversation.
when we’re in the context of conversations and questions, how do you end a conversation? It’s really quite simple to end a conversation at a networking event because there is an expectation that people are there to meet people. So non-verbals really make a big difference, tone, pleasant facial expressions, smile, say, “Well, it’s been really interesting talking to you, I promised myself I would circulate.” Or, almost the reverse of that, “Well, I’m sure you want to meet other people, here’s my card.”
It’s really very simple to end a conversation but the key is when you’re in the conversation to be entirely focused on that other person. A lot of times people are looking for the “right” person to communicate with and they are not making good eye contact, they are distracted. Instead, I encourage people to decide that whenever they’re in a conversation with someone, that’s the right person for that period of time and your job is to find out why. Why is this the person in front of you out of everyone at the event, or, indeed, everyone in the world.

Feel free to eat alone

“Never eat a meal alone. “That works for about 15% of the general population. So that’s good advice for really strong extroverts, people who identify strongly with extroversion. It doesn’t work for the rest of us, and it allows us to not have time to reenergize. So, what I recommend is that if you need time alone, to prepare before a program, before a presentation, when you’re on a business trip, to allow yourself to have a meal alone if that energizes you.

One of two situations is usually the case.

Either you bought a ticket and you’re like, “I’m going to eat my moneys worth
someone else “is covering it” and then you’re like, “Hey it’s a free meal.”

And I encourage you to not think of it as either one. Don’t arrive starving, it’s okay to eat a little bit, but there’s many, many networking mishaps for being too eager to start eating.

Avoid messes from food and drink

having a mouth full of food when you’re introduced to somebody that you’ve been wanting to meet
spilling on yourself
the types of food you eat at networking events matters too. If you love those everything bagels, that’s for Sunday mornings with your family, but otherwise plain items such as crackers or bread without a lot of nuts or seeds that can get stuck in your teeth. When I’m helping organizing networking events, I always forbid spinach dip, even though it tastes good because that causes a lot of trouble as well.
A good rule of thumb: eat before, drink after. That means eat something before the event, and then maybe a couple of simple things at the event, like carrots or things that are less likely to cause a mess, and then drink after the event in terms of alcohol.

If you’re at an event and you like to drink alcohol, maybe one or two drinks is okay, but put a lid on it at that. You just want to be aware of that when you’re at an event, that it might feel like a party, but it’s still a business experience.

Arrive early, get oriented, and help out

If you’re in the midst of things, and you’re feeling anxious right then and there in the moment, how do you recommend overcoming that?

give yourself a little time to yourself
reframe your mind, everyone’s not focused on you, like we sometimes have delusions of grandeur that when I’m standing there not talking to anyone, the entire room is focused on me standing there not talking to anyone.
Also, make yourself available to others. *So for example, if I’m got myself a very modest plate of some plain carrots, and red peppers, or something, again, that’s not going to make a disaster like handheld tacos or that kind of thing. Then if you have these little cocktail high-top tables to kind of make yourself comfortable standing at one of them and have a friendly expression to allow other people who are wandering out to maybe come over and talk to you, that’s one thing you can do. *
looking around with a pleasant expression on your face
you’ll have those questions prepared
keep an eye on people’s name tags. Often name tags have interesting information, either what someone does or where they’re from
get to the event early instead of late, because early on there are fewer crowds, less noisy, easier to get into conversation, and it’s a little calmer.
if you get there on the earlier side you have another benefit of looking at, usually there’s name tag tables to see who’s coming if there’s someone you want to meet or someone you haven’t seen in a while that you didn’t know was coming, that’s something to get you centered and to occupy yourself for the first few minutes when you arrive.
I also recommend that before the event if you have the opportunity to see if you can be helpful in some way. Either volunteer formally or informally. That not only positions you as a helpful person but also gives you something to do and something to talk about at the event as a volunteer.

What would be some examples of informal volunteer roles that are handy?

So I arrive and I’m a regular participant and I might know the person who’s organizing the event, and maybe she’s running around like crazy so I can go up and say hey, what can I do to help, “I’d love to be of assistance. Do you need these flyers put out on all the tables?”” Like make some suggestions and then also remember to thank them for all their hard work and you will be surprised how often people will give you something to do and it’s helping you as much as it’s helping them, because suddenly you have a purpose.

It makes sense that you’re naturally shifting your attention away from yourself and creating, you know, and that self consciousness, and on to completing something and so then you’re more in the groove right there. And it just feels a little bit like the expression “act like you own the place”. In a way you kind of do. You own that piece of the experience in that moment and there’s just sort of a power that comes with that.

Don’t monopolize people or conversations

Something to be cautious about is when some who’s more introverted meets someone that they feel a connection to, a potential hazard is that then they’ll just want to stick with that person the rest of the program. And so I have special advice for those introverts and it’s if you love someone, set them free. Even though it’s been lovely, end the conversation before everyone’s gotten run out of topics, or has gotten weary of each other.

And a little side advice for extroverts, when you’re in conversation he thinks in his brain when he is concerned maybe there’s an imbalance of conversation when he’s meeting people, is he says to himself, “Wait.” W-A-I-T, and it stands for: why am I talking? So he asks himself that to make sure, to serve as a reality check, maybe it’s time for me to stop talking. So different advice for different folks.

Ask positive, open-ended questions

What are some other pro tips with regard to keeping the conversation going in some cool and interesting ways?

So, I would always favor asking questions

open-ended questions as opposed to close-ended questions.
make sure that what you’re saying is in the positive, don’t attempt to bond over what’s wrong. Oh, my gosh, the weather’s terrible, the parking is bad…So really try and take a moment before you speak, and think, is this positive. Not to be fake, but what’s something positive I can say. How can I be positive and helpful, and be someone that people want to be around, as opposed to someone who’s looking at what’s wrong all the time.

Pause to take notes for follow-up

If you just spoke to someone you really do want to keep in touch with, then get their card if they have one and take a moment to just jot down a couple of notes to yourself on the front of the card about where you met them, what you talked about, and what you might be able to follow up on. It’s a great gift to give yourself, because we forget about half of what we hear within two days.

Prioritize connecting over collecting for better follow-up

Follow-up, so one is And what are some of the other, I’d say, common mistakes and best practices there?

making sure that it doesn’t go too long because it can be forgotten.
be specific, and remember to value connecting over collecting. So, it’s not about how many cards you collect. It’s about who you connect with, and how deep those connections are. So, instead of reaching out to everyone who you touched bases with in the conference, pick a couple of people. Authentic individuals specific follow-up.
In the follow-up, make it short. I think e-mail is a good way to follow-up also, with different personality styles, and to see right away what you can do to offer the other person. Try and offer something in your follow-up.
- Maybe an article you think they’d be interested in, based on a conversation.
- Maybe a connection you can make for them in their work, as opposed to right away thinking what can they do for me.

What are some great ways that are broadly applicable, that we can be generous and proactive givers there?

make sure it really is something that the other person might want. So if, again, it all goes back to what happens at the event. If you listen closely to what they’re saying, pick up on what they’re interested in because you ask questions and because afterwards you’ve jotted something down on their card before you left, you’ll have specific offers to make.
It doesn’t have to be something professional.
Maybe it’s offering them a laugh.
one thing to be careful about is to not think you’re offering someone something when it’s really you asking for something. You want to make sure that it’s really focused on what the other person is interested in.
if you want to follow-up with someone and maybe have more time with them, make it easy for the person to say yes.
- “Want to have lunch?”. That’s a hard thing to say yes to because we’re super busy professionals and have a lot of demands. However, if someone wants some advice and it’s really concrete, and they say “I’d love ten minutes of your time to ask you some questions. I could come to your office, or we could do it by video conference,” saying, “Would that be possible?”. Then, that’s pretty easy for me to say yes to. So, make it easy for people to, when it does come time to ask for something, to say yes to you.
You can be brilliant networker. You can talk to anyone about anything. If you’re not following-up, you’re not networking. It doesn’t matter if you’re great at speaking off the cuff. What matters is what happens the next day. Are you in touch afterwards? Did you build a meaningful relationship with that person? Is it mutually beneficial? So, nothing can happen if you’re just having a good time at the event or maybe dreading the event, and then it just- just vanishes into a black hole. So, there’s a lot of other tips, but the key to anything happening is follow-up.

Make new connections through shared interests

I think it’s important for us in our lives. Many of us are a little bit isolated in between our work and our home life to find what’s, I call, or other people called as well, the third space, a community outside of work. So, I have a lot of tips which you can read about, but also just in general, to be on the lookout for ways to connect with people in a social life, in a way, to enrich your life beyond work.

Any of those leaping to mind with regard to those other social connecting ways?

Well, it’s defined as hobbies or interests that are already inherently interesting to you. So pursue, maybe there’s something when you were in college, or in your younger years, when you had more time, that you did. Look at those old interests you had, and see if you can find ways to revive them as you get older and busier. So to reawaken things that you enjoyed doing. So it’s not just about I’m going to meet people, which is lovely, but it’s also about cultivating an interest that you authentically have and would like to learn more about or become more proficient in.