Intro

Why being assertive matters

Being assertive is not easy

Tough conversations can be pretty unnerving, but are also completely essential to being a leader.
Being assertive is a choice and it’s a bold choice that leaders make every day.
it’s easier to sit back and say nothing, but when leaders see something going down they say something.
being assertive does come with some social costs, especially for women leaders. But

But being willing to speak up and assert yourself is essential for better decision-making, increased creativity, and less groupthink at work. also comes with some big personal benefits

In This course: how to be a more courageous, assertive, and tactful leader who feels fully equipped to speak up and make your voice heard.

What does it mean to be assertive

Assertive versus aggressive

It all boils down to who’s rights are being respected.

Being assertive means being clear about your rights, needs, and wants, while being considerate of others’ rights too.
Being aggressive, on the other hand, means doing whatever’s in your own best interest without regard for others’ rights.

Sometimes being aggressive can look quite mild

Clarifying this difference between who’s being assertive and who’s being aggressive can be really important at work. the difference between assertive and aggressive and explained how to all boils down to who’s rights are being respected

Bandwagon bias: Why dissent is difficult

Entrepreneur Maurice Strong once said that “Inertia is a powerful force “in human and political affairs.” Being assertive can feel like applying that equal and opposite force all on your own.

There’s a term for what going up against this pressure feels like, and social scientists call it bandwagon bias. But going along just to get along is an absence of leadership. And this kind of group think can come with some major downsides.

It prevents us from thinking for ourselves
inhibits critical analysis of all potential ideas
It reduces team creativity
prevents us from making the best decisions.

The first step to pushing back on bandwagon bias is naming it when it’s happening to you.

Being a leader requires the courage to push back on bandwagon bias by asserting yourself and making it safe for others to do the same.

The benefits of being assertive

Being assertive is like flexing a muscle. The more you use it the less difficult it becomes.

Benefits:

reduce chronic anxiety.

Think about the last time you had a difficult conversation with someone. How did you feel beforehand? Probably pretty anxious, right? But how about afterwards? No matter how the conversation goes, it often feels like such a relief to make your voice heard and just get everyone’s feelings out in the open. And from what we know about the science of stress, chronic stress, like the kind you feel in a toxic workplace where day after day you feel unheard, disrespected, and unfulfilled, is more damaging than acute stress, like the kind you experience having a difficult conversation. Getting through a tricky conversation is way less harmful than feeling like a doormat all day, every day
Better boundaries. Drawing healthy boundaries requires speaking up on our own behalf assertively. So that very same skill that can help you navigate, say a negotiation conversation with your boss, can also help you navigate the conversation over who’s spending the holidays at whose house each year.
Research shows that being assertive helps establish your executive presence, giving a strong impression that you’re someone who’s ready to lead. Having a strong executive presence is linked to getting more promotions, too.

So whether you practice being assertive at work or in your personal life, this key skill can help you feel more heard and respected, and ensure that you’re respecting others’ rights, too.

Being assertive as a woman

Even though being assertive is widely understood to be an essential component of leadership, it’s complicated for women leaders. Since being a leader has long been associated with men and masculinity, so has assertiveness. Femininity, on the other hand, is associated with being kind, caring, coy, and demure, all traits that can seem to clash with being an outspoken, assertive person. So for the last 40 years or so, as long as social scientists have been measuring it, both men and women judge assertive women as less likable, in part because they’re violating traditional gender roles. Now we all know that gender roles are shifting, as is the social construct of gender altogether. But as things change, we women are still held to some tricky double standards. We’re expected to somehow be nice and firm, strong yet tender, powerful but poised. It can feel like you’re tap dancing on a tightrope, where one small misstep can have you falling from grace. So where does this leave us?

How to fix it:

For starters, we all need to check ourselves when it comes to the unconscious bias that we carry. When an assertive woman strikes you as harsh or mean, ask yourself, would I react the same way to a man who did or said the same thing? For even more insights on how to be an active ally in the quest for gender equality at work, check out my other course right here on LinkedIn Learning on how to be a male ally.
For women leaders, striking the perfect balance between being likable and being a leader is a tireless, never-ending challenge. At the end of the day, you’ve got to stay focused on your purpose over your perception. We can’t get so concerned with how we’re presenting ourselves that it distracts from what it is that we’re actually presenting. While I love to share advice and tactics on how to be more strategic with your choices when it comes to being assertive, managing your image cannot become the focus of your attention. Every leader knows that you’re never going to please everybody, every day, but being willing to lead means being willing to be judged, sometimes unfairly, and then get right back up and get to work.

Assertive Communication

Eliminate filler words

filler words, they can really detract from the strong leader-like vibe that you’re going for.

like
um
er
ya know

Academics call them disfluencies:

unconscious utterances that diminish our credibility and distract from our message.

To eliminating your filler words

identify which ones are popping up in your speech.
- Ask a colleague to help you look out for them in meetings or presentations.
- Or you can record and review yourself practicing for an upcoming interview or talk.
replacing the habit with something better. Bad habits don’t just go away, they have to be substituted.
- So in place of filler words, embrace the power of the pause. Take a beat to collect your thoughts and you’re more likely to be seen as demonstrating thoughtfulness, power, and poise.
- A deep breath before thinking about what you want to say next can help too. The key is to resist the natural urge to fill the void.

Studies suggest that we fall back on filler words because we’ve been conditioned to fill silence, even when we don’t have anything to say. We use er and ah to hold onto the conversational floor and signal that we’re not quite done. But those filler words can actually dilute your message, especially when you’re giving a presentation or formal talk. Working to change these unconscious habits doesn’t happen overnight, but it makes a huge impact in reinforcing an assertive, powerful communication style that keeps your audience focused on what you have to say, not how you’re saying it.

Keep it concise

Want to give an assertive impression? Keep it short and sweet.

When we get nervous, many of us tend to go on and on and talk way more than we need to. A former professor of mine called this a Tchaikovsky finish. It’s kind of like a symphony that you’re never quite sure is over.

Symptoms

overexplaining when I’ve got to deliver bad news
say no to a request, it’s easy for my insecurity to manifest in a form of over-apologizing or overexplaining or just oversharing.

It’s our human instinct to pad bad news. But being clear and to the point is actually the kindest approach. Going on and on can give out a weak impression, too. It makes you come across as insecure, unsure, nervous or meandering.

So the next time you’re giving a talk or preparing for an important meeting, or practicing for an interview, I want you to practice channeling your inner gymnast. Imagine speaking assertively, like a gymnast dismounting off a balance beam. It’s all about sticking your landing.

The first step is noticing when you’re going on and on or when you’re overexplaining. Are there certain settings that make you extra nervous and talkative? Do you notice when your colleagues seem to be tuning out or shifting in their seats, appearing impatient or frustrated? If that’s the case, you might be overexplaining.
When you catch yourself monologuing, I want you to literally visualize a gymnast sticking their landing and wrap things up by stating your point. Then pause, breathe and wait for feedback from others, while resisting the urge to overexplain.

It sounds simple, but it’s easier said than done. It takes practice and courage to feel comfortable getting right to the point. But this simple shift can help you make a much more assertive impression. Whether you’re asking for more in a negotiation, making your case in a presentation or simply weighing in on a team discussion, brevity exudes power. It’s a simple but powerful reminder, sometimes less is more.

Quit the qualifiers

One way we unconsciously weaken our speech is by relying on qualifiers. Qualifiers are those little preambles that slip into our speech to contextualize what we’re about to say, but can unintentionally discredit ourselves. It’s like you’re cutting yourself off at the knee before taking your first step. Here are a few qualifiers that I hear often.

“I’m sorry, but…”
“This might be completely off base, but…”
“maybe it’s just me, but…”

These unconscious indicators of insecurity can do real damage to the point you’re trying to make. It gives the impression that you don’t feel confident in what you’re saying.

unless you’re about to give sworn expert testimony, there’s really no need to express your self-doubt this way.

Just get to the point.

So instead of saying, “I’m sorry, this might be out of left field, “but have we considered doing “additional focus group testing on this?” Simply say, “have we considered “doing additional focus group testing on this?” Or even, “we should do additional focus group testing.”

If that feels too direct, you can use I think, I feel, or I believe, as a shorter version of a qualifier that warms you up to getting to the point too.

In other words, if saying something like, “we should additional focus group testing,” feels too direct, you can always opt for, “I feel we should do additional “focus group testing,” instead.

Bottom line, quit the qualifiers and get to your point more directly to make a more assertive, confident, and leader-like impression.

Ask assertive questions

We often believe that being assertive means you got to be quick on your feet and always have the right response at the ready but in reality, you don’t always need a response. Sometimes, the most assertive move you can make is to ask a question.

Let’s say for example that your boss assumes that you wouldn’t want this great new assignment because it involves travel. Now, you might be all frustrated thinking to yourself, what, they’re taking me out of the running for this great assignment ‘cause I’ve got kids at home or because I’m a junior member of the team, am I being passed over for this great opportunity and as you’re searching for the right words to call them out or start making your case as to why it’s not fair at all, you could also just ask why do you feel that way and you might be surprised, pleasantly surprised to learn that your boss says I thought you just hated cold climates and didn’t want to travel to Milwaukee.

So when you’re faced with a tough situation, I always say get curious, not furious. If someone says something that does not sit well with you, put it back on them to explain themselves.

If your counteroffer’s rejected in a negotiation, ask, well, what do you think would be fair? If you’re not on board with a decision that’s being made in a team meeting, ask, well, what’s the reasoning behind moving forward on this or if you’re worried that your team is overcommitted, you might ask, do we all feel like we have the bandwidth to take this on right now?

Asking courageous questions can have just as much of an assertive impact as any statement.

Intent, then content

Oftentimes, when speaking up assertively, you run the risk of ruffling a few feathers along the way. And women are especially at risk of being seen as unlikeable when speaking up assertively.

The good news is behavioral scientists have uncovered a handy trick for reducing your odds of being seen as less likable when speaking up for yourself. It’s as simple as adding a little phrase upfront explaining your intentions first.

So let’s say you want to have a difficult conversation with your boss about the fact that you’ve learned you’re being paid $10,000 less than your colleague who performs the exact the same job and was hired at the same time. When you go into the meeting to ask for equal pay, you might better your chances for success by leading with your intent first. You might start with something like, “I know this is an organization “that prides itself on equality and transparency, “so I want to bring this issue to your attention.” Or, “Because I value our working relationship “and appreciate your support and mentorship over the years, “I want to share something that I’ve recently come to learn.” Or you might say, “This is a matter of transparency “and integrity, and so I want to share “what I recently learned about my pay.”

The idea here is to explain the why behind the what you’re about to ask for.

What values do you hold that are motivating you to take action?
What collective beliefs do you and your boss share that are driving you to speak up?

By leading with why (intent), you’re giving people a sense of your rationale, your motivation, and it results in a less negative judgment in response to your assertiveness. Truthfully, it’s a simple reversal of the logical order of things as we usually state them. The way we think these things through in our mind usually leads with our ask and then our explanation.

For instance, if you’re trying to take a phone call in a shared office space, but your colleagues are loudly playing videos off YouTube, your instinct might be to say, “Hey, can you turn it down? “I’ve got a phone call.” But how would it sound to reverse the order? “Hey, I’ve got a phone call. “Can you turn it down?” Doesn’t it sound just a little nicer? By giving just a little explanation upfront, it softens the blow when you’re asserting yourself.

So the next time you’ve got something tough to say, first, explain your why before getting to what it is that you’re asking for. Because unlike some meaningless apology or qualifier, it adds substance to what you’re saying and it goes a long way to getting your point across smoothly.

Assertive Body Language

Make assertive eye contact

Most people don’t feel like they’re getting the real you if they can’t look you in the eye, and to be fair, eye contact isn’t usually an issue unless it’s not happening. I run a program for professional public speakers where the issue of eye contact almost always comes up. During it, every participant has to practice giving a two-minute off-the-cuff speech so they can receive feedback from the other members of their cohort. One time, a participant realized that when she pauses to think about what’s next or recall information that she wants to share, instead of looking up or off to the side in her peripheral vision, she looks down. The difference is pretty intense. Every few seconds, her eyes were darting to the floor and giving this impression that she was nervous and lost. So she and I worked together to try to replace that habit with a new one. Now it’s hard to know what your eye contact looks like until you record and review video of yourself speaking or specifically ask for feedback on your eye contact from trusted colleagues.

If you find that you have trouble holding your gaze when having tough conversations or giving presentations, here are a few ways to work on maintaining strong eye contact.

First, dole it out evenly. Make a few different passes across the room, and be sure that your back is never turned to anyone shutting them out.
If you can’t look them in the eye, it’s okay to gaze at their foreheads instead. When speaking to groups, most people won’t notice if you look between their eyes or at the top of their heads if that’s more comfortable for you.
But if eye contact makes you nervous when speaking one-on-one, you can similarly opt to look at another spot on the person’s face. Imagine a triangle connecting their eyes and mouth. Every few seconds rotate which part of the triangle that you’re looking at.
if you have to break your gaze, do so with a gesture or a nod which can look more natural than just looking away because you’re uncomfortable with too much eye contact.
Being assertive is reinforced by assertive eye contact, but don’t overdo it. You don’t want folks to feel like they’re in a staring contest with you. It’s best to keep eye contact moving on every three-to-five seconds.

A little feedback and practice can go a long way in strengthening your eye contact and in turn make a huge difference in how you’re perceived.

How to use your hands while speaking

People want to see leaders as calm and assertive and that includes body language. So let’s talk about how your use of hand gestures can reinforce your leadership performance.

First, people tend to respond well to open-handed gestures at navel height. These kinds of movements imply honesty, that you’ve got nothing to hide, and project trust, confidence, and calm. You never want to hide your hides while speaking. Whether they’re shoved in your pockets, held behind your back, or left under a table or podium, when your hands are hidden, people tend to fill in the blanks with their own explanation of where they might be.
Second, punctuated hand gestures to emphasize key points. Research shows that using hand gestures while speaking helps both the speaker and the audience. It helps you, the speaker, find the words you’re looking for and decrease your reliance on filler words when you’re calling the right word. Beyond that, it can help the listener pay attention and recall your most important messages. So whenever you’ve got a list, let’s say a three key skills to remember about hand gestures, holding up your fingers to reference your first, second, and third point can help the listener follow along. I think of hand gestures as a way of highlighting your speech in real time. I like to use my hands to visually underline key points.
A third tip to remember with hand gestures is this, you don’t want to overdo it. You don’t want larger than life gestures to distract from what you’re saying. I recommend keeping your gestures within beach ball territory. Meaning, if you can imagine yourself holding onto a beach ball, that’s the zone to stay in. Anything beyond that starts to get a little over the top.

So the next time you find yourself communicating like a leader, whether in a small or large setting, think about how your hands are either helping or distracting. With a little intention behind them, hand gestures can help you and your audience get the message.

Take up space

Harvard Professor Amy Cuddy popularized the concept of power posing as a way to increase your confidence and leadership presence.

Power posing is all about taking up more space and assuming an open body position to show power and dominance, and they’ve been around forever in the animal kingdom.

When you take up more space, you’re seen as having more power. But the most fascinating part of Cuddy’s research uncovered an additional internal boost too. Turns out instead of taking up more space as a result of feeling more powerful, you can reverse engineer your way to feeling more powerful too. When subjects assumed a power pose for at least two minutes, they showed signs of being more confident and risk-tolerant afterwards. In other words, it doesn’t only shift how others perceive you; power posing can actually make you feel more confident and powerful too.

So the next time you want to feel an additional boost of confidence and courage, stand tall, take up space, and look at yourself in the mirror for at least two minutes in this powerful pose. You’ll be more risk-tolerant as a result and ready to tackle whatever tough conversations await you next.

How to Sound Like a Leader

Avoid vocal fry and upspeak

There are two common vocal habits that have been shown to detract from your executive presence.

First, let’s talk about vocal fry. It’s a low, gravely vibration that’s caused by a fluttering in the vocal chords, and some speech experts actually demit vocal abuse. Now vocal fry is surprisingly common, among millennials in particular. And unfortunately, researchers found that almost everyone is universally annoyed by it. So unless your goal is to irritate, it’s best to keep your fry to a minimum.

Here are two quick tips that can help.

breathe deep. Vocal fry is remedied with more air passing through your vocal chords, so practicing deep breathing exercises can help.
raise your pitch. Often you can get your voice out of that guttural range by elevating your pitch ever so slightly.

The other vocal habit that’s widely considered problematic at work is upspeak or uptalk. Uptalk involves a lilting intonation that means your sentences end at a higher pitch than where they began. Like when you’re asking a question. And while it make sense to ask questions with that intonation, doing it all the time with everything you say can make you sound a bit like a stereotypical Valley Girl. It just doesn’t give a strong, confident leader-like impression. So practice bringing upspeak to a halt by imagining you’re ending your sentences like an Olympic gymnast sticking your landing off the balance beam. And at the same time, practice ending on a lower intonation.

Some research suggests that you can rewire the neural pathways in your brain faster by adding a little physicality to it while you’re practicing, like a little stomp of your foot or squeeze of your fist.

It might take a little rehearsing, but you can practice ending your sentences with a more declarative tone at home, and that muscle memory will come with you to work as well.

Summary, Being Assertive Is a Choice

Assert yourself now

Being assertive is a choice. All the advice and recommendations in this course are here to help you when you want to maximize your assertiveness. But these tips should be considered tools in a much larger communications toolbox.

Sometimes you might benefit most by maximizing your empathy and listening skills.
Some situations might call for you to be a coach and mentor.
some folks might simply need your encouragement.

But when you feel like your rights are being violated or witness injustices happening to others, I encourage you to make your voice heard like a leader would. Own your voice and speak up on your own behalf and on behalf of others, too. Being an assertive leader is a bold and courageous choice. And at the end of the day, it’s your call. I just hope that you have the tools to answer the call when the world needs to hear from you. If I can ever be of service to you or your company as a speaker or trainer, please don’t hesitate to reach out via my website, emiliearies.com. And for all kinds of free career resources, including step by step guidance on negotiation, which is arguably one of the most assertive conversations you can have, visit bossedup.com and join the Bossed Up community of career builders who are striving and thriving together.